by Belinda Lams

What used to work doesn't work. 
What used to fit doesn't fit. 


I noticed that my mint plant has been shriveling quickly after watering.  As a novice gardener, I FINALLY realized there may be a problem with the roots.  


I lifted up the container to investigate underneath.  Sure enough, I discovered the roots desperately reaching out through the holes. They had outgrown their current container and went on a mission to find nourishment. 

Common sense says it's time to transplant the mint into a larger container with fresh soil. (No, I haven't done it yet. Why would I listen to someone named Common Sense?) 

How many times do we try to force ourselves to stay in a container that just doesn't fit anymore?  Whether it's a role, a job, a dynamic, a relationship, a pattern, a belief, a paradigm?

Clearly, my mint plant will die if I don't give it the room it needs to expand and develop.

What about you? 
Where do you need to make room for yourself in your life?

by Belinda Lams

There are many ways to see things, yet we often stay committed to one version of reality...even if it keeps us stuck.

A while back, I had a coaching session with a woman who was convinced she couldn't do what she really wanted to do with her life.  

She longed to change careers, but was certain it would lead to her demise. She figured it was better to stay unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of her life than take that risk into the great unknown.

How many times do we choose to stay on that path of mild despair?  We opt for what isn't working instead of learning how to courageously navigate what could potentially work very well.

I get it. I go through this on a daily basis. Here's what I am learning...

Just because something seems like the only option doesn't mean that it is. It just means that it is all I am willing to see. I am looking at my situation through a certain frame which creates this picture. 

So what is the obvious solution?  Reframe, of course. This is a common practice in coaching. We help our clients see what isn't working in their lives and then be willing to shift the way they perceive their situation until they find the release. 

Where are you stuck in your life? What belief, behavior, excuse are you holding tightly, even though it is slowly draining the life out of you?

There is a whole reality outside of the frame you have around your circumstances, your beliefs, your rules, and your patterns. 

Here's a starting point:
Even if you're not willing to change anything at the moment, try reframing your picture to explore some possible new scenarios.  Notice where you feel a sense of relief, openness, hope.

"There are better and worse ways to live, " says one of my teachers, Rabbi Mordecai Finley.  What if you choose better?

by Belinda Lams

My husband and I started an organic vegetable garden a couple weeks ago. We planted eggplant, tomato, jalapeno, persian cukes, radishes, spinach, kale, and lettuce.

Everyday, we run out to the garden to see if anything has happened. Are they growing? Did they get eaten by our resident possum posse?  Do they need more water? Less water?

(I actually brushed aside the top dirt to see if there were any germinating sprouts that hadn't popped through yet.  Can you say over-anxious?)

We had planted 16 radish seeds in a 4X4 pattern.  14 of them popped through, but the other 2 hadn't sprung yet. I started worrying about those 2 seeds. Why haven't they grown like the others?  Is something wrong with them? All the other ones seem to be doing just fine. 

Ok...let me get to my point, cuz you know I've got one.  

I too had been feeling like those 2 radish seeds that were still under the dirt. I was feeling like it was taking me forever to figure out my life. I started comparing myself to all the other people who have sprouted.  They are all so evolved. I'm still under here under the dirt, trying to germinate. There must be something wrong with me. Why is it taking me so long?!

And now, the lesson:  

We all develop in our own time. In our own way. Forcing ourselves to develop faster than we can doesn't work. I know. I've tried it. 

If we become aware and accept where we are, we can unfold beautifully and naturally...even enjoy the growth process.

So, I have since realigned with my own unique pace of growth.  I will pop up when I've had enough time under the ground.  

BTW, the other 2 radishes have emerged and they're doing just fine.

by Belinda Lams

FIND WHERE YOUR SPIRIT DWELLS...AND FEED IT

I've been walking past this sign for a week now. It's posted on a marquis at the corner church/synagogue that I pass on my way to the gym. 

It got me thinking...We all feed our body, right? If we don't get nutrition, we get depleted, sick, and eventually die. Ok. That's obvious.

(I just heard of models eating cotton balls and tissue to fill their stomachs. REALLY????!!!!!)

Now our soul, our inner being, is more subtle than our body. Harder to find. Maybe that's why the sign says to find where it dwells. Maybe that's why so many people don't nourish their inner lives.

We have a hunger, a longing, but it can be quickly staved off by filling up on some cotton ball activities.  There's always an empty substitute available.

If we keep doing this, we will end up with soul anorexia. We will become the busy, distracted, walking dead.

What nourishment does your soul need? It may not be the same meal all the time.  What does it need right now?

We must feed our souls to thrive.  
We must find our souls to feed them. 
We must make time to find our souls...every day.

by Belinda Lams

I love to help people find a compelling vision for their lives. What we can envision is possible to actualize. 

We are all beneficiaries of people who have taken a vision in their heads and created a genius invention, a piece of art, a curriculum, a formula, a cure.

All of the great imagineers hit a wall; that stuck place where they can't find their next step. It may feel like a crisis and the temptation is to give up. However, the wall has a door, but it needs to be found. The problem isn't the lack of a door, but the inability to "see" the door. 

Here are some blocks that prevent "sight" and some simple remedies (And yes, please try these at home):

•It's too dark. Get more light.
•Your vision is blurry. Use magnification.
•You have cataracts. Get surgery to peel them off.
•You're wearing dark glasses. Remove them.
•Your eyes are closed. Open them. 
•Your eyes are diseased. Seek healing. 
•You're looking in the wrong direction. Turn your head.
•You're staring at the door, but your mind is elsewhere. Wake up and be present.
•You're staring at the door and don't recognize it. Get a new perspective.

Where is your door? 
What is blocking your vision? 
What do you need in your life to help you see?

by Belinda Lams

The other day, I was about to walk past the 99-year-old father of my friend. I said a passing hello, when he grabbed my arm and stopped me in my tracks. I've had conversations with this gentleman in the past, but none as intent as this one. 

He said in his thick Hungarian accent, "Do you know how old I am?" 

"Yes," I replied.  "You're 99."

He continued, "That's right. I want to make it to 100.  I'm almost there."  

I politely tried to excuse myself and move on with my original objective, but he insisted on keeping me there. He told me about his life, about his wonderful son and three granddaughters...all the while firmly gripping my arm and looking deeply into my eyes. I finally succumbed to his wishes and shifted my attention to being present and listening well.  It was as if he desperately needed me to know his story. 

I just found out that he passed away. He didn't make his 100th birthday. 

A wise friend of mine said that when people are on their way out (aware of it or not) they are often compelled to tell their story. It's as if the soul knows it's going to leave soon.  (Beverly apparently did the same thing before she died. See my previous blog "What Death Teaches About Life").

If the soul knows it's going to leave and wants to be known before it departs, then perhaps the story we're writing with our lives is even more important than we realize.

Something in us wants to leave a legacy. We want to know that our life mattered.

What is the story you want to write with your life? What is the legacy you want to leave behind? What are you willing to do about it?

by Belinda Lams

What is your pet story? (Not the one about your dog). What is your favorite well-worn negative story about yourself? What have you been using to define yourself in the world?

Recently, a woman was telling me about her relationship with her boyfriend. She hasn't been sure if he is fully committed to her. He doesn't communicate for a while, then shows up again as if nothing happened. She has been starting to wonder if he might be using her...but then quickly explains, "Well, I'm insecure you know. I've always been that way."  That's her pet story. 

Another person told me that the reason he is stuck in life is because of his "primal self-loathing and shame."  When I pushed in a little bit to explore the possibilities of freedom, he defended his position as if it was sacred territory. He could never let that one go. That's his pet story. 

We all have at least one pet story. It's a belief, idea, or judgment that we've attached to our identity and use to operate in the world. It typically gives us license to be much less than we can be. If we don't have the story, then what? Who are we without it?

Try this exercise. I'd love to hear what you discover.

•Define your pet story.
•Give it margins and see it as separate from the real you.
•Examine and determine what it would be like if you didn't have it in your operating system.
•If you're willing, try letting it go as an experiment.
•If you like living without it, consider leaving it behind.
•If you prefer living with it, then by all means....

by Belinda Lams

I'm fascinated by the way human beings perceive reality. We create worlds of beliefs to help us navigate our way through life. Without examination, these beliefs seem to be infallible truth. Right? 

I think I know what is going with myself and other people, only to find out that they see it a completely different way. But my truth seems more...well, true.

Sometimes  our "truth" causes us a great deal of pain. It often keeps us in our lower emotions of anger, jealousy, entitlement, resentment...you get where I'm going. So, if we were to examine our beliefs, would they hold up to scrutiny? 

I've been enjoying a book by Byron Katie called, "Loving What Is."  She has a nice little work-through to help you get to the underlying beliefs causing angst, stress, anger, etc. She calls it the 4 Questions and a Turnaround. 

Her basic premise is that we don't accept reality as it is.  We don't accept ourselves or other people. We have thoughts and beliefs about what is going on that create pain and disconnection. Our relationships suffer. We try to run other people's lives for them instead of focusing on the one we actually have power over...our own.
We project our rules of reality onto the world and they don't always work. 

In order to gain freedom from each untruth, she suggests that we formulate a statement of our belief and then ask ourselves this first question:  Is this thought true?  Then the second question: Can I absolutely prove it's true? 

When we examine our thoughts, beliefs, premises (especially the ones causing grief), we often find that they aren't always true. In fact, sometimes they're a flat out lie. 

She then suggests that once we determine if our belief is absolutely true or not,  we ask ourselves the third question: How do I feel with that thought? It's usually not very good. 

Then the fourth question: If I couldn't think the thought, how would I feel? That's a tricky one, because as soon as someone says not to think something, it's hard to stop.  But, if you play with the idea, you quickly realize that without the thought you actually feel better. It proves her point that our thoughts (beliefs) are what is causing us most of the pain. 

Then comes the turnaround. In this step you rephrase the belief a number of ways until you find one that rings more true than the way you've been spinning it. For instance, if the belief is, "My spouse should stop telling me what to do." The turnarounds could be:  I should stop telling me what to do. (How am I doing this to myself?) I should stop telling my spouse what to do. (Am I willing to live by the same rules I'm demanding?) My spouse should tell me what to do (unless he/she doesn't).  That's my spouse's choice. Huh...

I'm finding this to be extremely helpful in getting to the root of my triggers and discomforts quickly. 

How do you feel with THIS thought? :-)

by Belinda Lams

I went to Beverly's funeral yesterday. She had lived a good, long life, but her sudden death was shocking and unexpected. 

A friend sitting next to me during the service said that she would let Beverly's life remind her to seize each moment. She wouldn't wait until tomorrow to say or do the things that mattered to her.  She often waits.

Out to the gravesite, dirt being shoveled on top of the white box, a young mother said that she would keep this as a reminder to connect with her children. She gets caught up in the hustle bustle of daily life.

I was again reminded why I do what I do with my life. 

I too had the lesson at a funeral years ago. I also made a decision to make each day count.  I didn't want the hustle bustle to be my excuse. I wanted to ensure that it wouldn't take another funeral to wake me up.  

So I built it into my life's work.

I vowed to help other people find their deep desire and purpose and live it out each day. While I help them, they help me, and together we keep the lesson alive. 

This little quote sits on my desk. I found it right after my daughter died.

"Many people don't know that there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life." -brian andreas

What keeps you awake?

by Belinda Lams (thx for the inspiration P)

I've been furiously writing a course on prioritizing life dreams and how to find that first place to focus (you'll hear about this very soon).

I also run Mastermind Groups and in them I have people find one thing they want to focus on for 12 weeks and see to fruition with the support of the  group. 

As I've gotten further down the road in the process, I am noticing that the one thing people focus on may not always be a dream, but the thing that is keeping them from having their dream.

One of the Group members said that so many aspects of her life opened up once she got her one big obstacle out of the way.

That one thing is like a boulder blocking the flow of water in a stream. Not much is getting around it. Once you remove it....watch out. 

What is that one thing for you? What would make the biggest difference if you were able to eliminate it from your life? What would open up?

(When you ask yourself these questions, I encourage to notice what shows up right away and don't put a judgment on it. Just notice.)