by Belinda Lams

For those days when life seems unbearable, I want to offer a little remedy to help you find some relief. It won't cure you of your ails, but it will certainly lighten your load for the time being. It goes like this...

Ready?

•Grab a jar or container of some sort.

•Get a stack of post-its and a marker. 
(don't laugh...for I am the post-it queen)

•Sit quietly with yourself and listen to all your rambling negative thoughts. Feel all your negative feelings. Just allow all of everything to be present. Don't shove anything away.

•When you're ready, write each negative thought, feeling, emotion down on the post-its.
Write until you've exhausted yourself and there is not one ounce of bad air left inside your heart. 

•Fold, squash, make origami, or whatever you want to do with your post-its. Then put them into the jar. 

•Look at the jar. 
Notice that all the false thinking, disappointment, hurt, grief, fear, shame, guilt, worry, contempt, judgment, jealousy, envy, anger...it all resides in that jar. 

•Now tune into your body. 
Become aware of what it feels like to NOT house all that darkness. 

Ah oh...is there another negative thought? Did you just judge yourself? If so, you're not done. Write it down. Put it in the jar. 

•OK. Check yourself again. Are you clear? 
If so, take a moment to experience yourself unburdened. You may feel very light. You may feel neutral. You may feel tired. You may feel like laughing. Whatever is there, allow yourself to experience it. Get to know yourself without all the crap that clogs your pipes.

One more step...

•Make a commitment to hold this space just for today. 
You can go back to your negativity and pain tomorrow, but not today. Every time you think about picking up the post-its and placing them back in your body, just remember that you're not allowed to today. Those are the rules. 

If you are REALLY compelled to grab the bio-hazard in the jar and gulp it down, go for it...just wait until tomorrow. Give yourself one day to fly free. 

Good luck. Let me know how it goes. 

Love you!!!!

by Belinda Lams

I just finished Steven Pressfield's latest book, "The Authentic Swing."  If you don't know this author, look him up. He's written fantastic books, 3 of which I've read to date. 

"The Authentic Swing" unpacks Steven's creative writing process of his novel, "The Legend of Bagger Vance." He reveals the source of his inspiration as well as the deeper themes contained throughout the story. 

In this case, the main character is a golfer who sets out on a journey to find...rather...recover his authentic swing. His authentic swing is a metaphor for his unique core self which has always been there, but has been lost or forgotten throughout his lifetime. 

When I explore the truth of finding my unique self, my authentic swing, I become acutely aware of all that isn't true about myself.  All the roles I've taken on. The attempts.  The comparisons. Even stealing someone else's authentic swing. 

We all wear costumes in the attempt to hide ourselves and fool others. Deep within, we know this isn't native. At some point, if we're brave enough, we may begin the excavation.

The willingness to remove the costumes allows for a more authentic self to emerge.  Like Michaelangelo's statue hidden in the marble, we must remove the excess stone to reveal the truth of who we are.

May we all find the courage to unzip a costume, chip away at the marble, and venture ever-closer to recover our authentic swing.

(Happy Birthday to Jeff, My Love)

by Belinda Lams

In his book, "The War of Art," Steven Pressfield gives a name to the mysterious force which blocks us from getting to our important life work.  

He calls it Resistance...with a capital R.  Resistance can come from within ourselves or from without.

Internal resistance may manifest as voices in your head with suggestions of fear, doubt, procrastination, guilt, cynicism, worry, dread.  It can also show up in your body with anxiety, paralysis, illness, and the like.  Any of those sound like the kind of resistance you encounter?

External resistance often comes from outside circumstances, much like a boulder blocking your path.  It may also come from other people.  Ever have someone close to you "act out" when you attempt to change something in your life?

Whenever you seek to change, grow, or transform your life, you will be challenged by Resistance along the way. So what can you do about it?

I have a simple 5-step solution to help you become a victor instead of a victim. 

                   Resistance doesn't have to get the last word.  

I'm not saying it's easy—but I am saying it's possible.

Step #1:  Accept it.
Resistance is part of the human experience. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. On the contrary, it usually means you're on to something.

Step #2: Anticipate it.
Since it is part of life, then it doesn't have to be a big surprise any longer. In fact, you can expect that it will show up as soon as you try to take positive action, especially with your deeper life purpose.

Step #3: Acquaint yourself.
Each of us has a signature blend of Resistance. We have our vulnerabilities where Resistance can operate most effectively. Some of us are more prone to fear, some more to guilt, some to procrastination. The key here is to become acquainted with your particular brand. 

Step #4: Acknowledge it.
Once you become more conscious of your patterns, you can acknowledge when the Resistance shows up. This puts you in the seat of power. You can say, "I've been expecting you. You're not going to take me out. I've got a plan."

Step #5: Redirect it.
And the final step is to redirect the pathway of the Resistance. Instead of allowing it to have it's way with you, send it in a different direction by intercepting it before it takes you out. This requires learning some strategies and practicing them in advance.  (I teach these in my Soul Activator course). 

by Belinda Lams

Remember Jack Nicholson's famous line in "A Few Good Men?"
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"  

He's right. Sometimes we can't, or don't handle the truth. Especially when it comes to telling it to ourselves. We have this amazing capacity to suppress, repress, avoid, deny, deflect, and project in order to keep the truth from coming anywhere near our consciousness.

I worked with a woman a while back who was experiencing anxiety issues and wasn't able to pinpoint the cause. I gently suggested that there was something deep inside that she wasn't willing to acknowledge.  Perhaps it was trying to make itself known by presenting as anxiety. 

She pushed back,  insisting that there was nothing she was hiding from herself.  But over time, peeling back layer by layer, it came out.  She was extremely unhappy in her marriage. Thud! She didn't want to think the thought, let alone say it out loud.  A whole life had been created around a lie which she affirmed to herself daily.

Her fear of facing reality had kept the truth buried deep below the surface.

Why? Because, it would require her to do something that she wasn't willing or ready to do. She would have to admit that her life was a disappointment, a sham. Or reveal her deep sadness at living so many years in a relational desert. She may even have to pursue divorce. Those possibilities felt like death to her, yet holding her truth in the depths was slowly killing her anyway. 

So...she allowed it to emerge. The anxiety dissipated.

Yes, the truth can be uncomfortable, even painful. 
Yes, it might require a difficult decision or a higher level of responsibility. 
And yes, it holds the key to your deliverance.

by Belinda Lams

You finally admitted that you're stuck and you really need to change your life. You are in angst and frustration and it's not getting better. You've prayed, cried, begged for something to change, but it hasn't happened...yet.

Reminds me of this old joke.   

A man is sitting on his porch when flood waters begin to rise. A woman floats by in a boat and offers him help. He says, "No, I'm waiting for God to help me."  

Flood waters get higher. The man moves upstairs. A rescue boat comes to his house and the officer tells him to get in. He says, "No. I'm OK. God will provide."  

Flood waters rise even higher and now he's up on the roof. A helicopter flies overhead and lowers a ladder. The man shouts, "No thanks!  The Lord will save me!"  And with that, he is overtaken by the flood waters to his death.  

Appearing before the Almighty, he asks why God didn't save him after he pleaded for help and had faith that could move mountains.  God says, "I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter.  What more did you want?" (p'dum pum)

Sometimes we don't recognize the very obvious thing that could answer our prayers. We get so used to our well-worn path of pain and can't imagine that making a even a slight shift could put us on the road to freedom. 

Remember the Bible story of the Israelites enslaved in Egypt?  When the long-awaited opportunity came to spring, not all of them left. Some of them opted to stay and complain rather than risk the unknown trek into freedom. Perhaps the pain of staying has to be greater than the fear of leaving.  

The road to true freedom is the road less traveled. Will you take it?

by Belinda Lams

I was coaching a woman a while back who was struggling to describe her current situation.  She said, "I'm in this place where I just can't stand to be in my life the way it is anymore. It's feeling empty and I'm checked out. I'm eating too much, breaking my commitments, blowing off time on the internet. I need to find something else, otherwise I'll just go crazy.  I just don't know what I want right now. I'm lost."  

I said to her, "You're in a transition."  She immediately felt a sense of relief.  The word transition named it and also gave her hope that she wasn't eternally lost. She was just in a season.

I love that about names. When we name something, it's as if we draw a circle around it, giving it borders and definition. We put it in a container and it helps us regain a sense of control and purpose.

I remember when I named my "lost" period last year.  I came to a halt with my business and needed to step away to determine if I wanted to continue. I really didn't know what was going on with me except that I had to stop.  For a few weeks, I felt really horrible about myself. Why couldn't I just force myself to get back in there?  But instead of fighting a losing battle, I listened to my inner voice and stepped back for a season. In trying to describe what was going on to others,  I longed to quantify it...sum it up.  It dawned on me to give this experience a name. The perfect name was Sabbatical.  Yes. I was taking a Sabbatical. I could live with that. This season had a name and a purpose and I was relieved and grateful. 

In "Mindsight" by Daniel Siegel, he talks about putting a label on your emotions. When you feel fear, encapsulate the emotion with a word. Fear is not all of who we are, but in the moment, it feels like it's our whole identity and will last forever.  He says, "Name it to tame it." 

Same with Steve Pressfield in his book, "The War of Art."  He personifies the creative struggle as Resistance, with a capital R. Resistance is real AND it's not all of who we are. It's manageable.

It reminds me of when I used to organize homes. At the end of the whole process,  I would pull out my label-maker and stick a name on a container of items. Office Supplies. Tech Cords. Memorabilia. It corralled the chaos.

Is there some amorphous experience you're having that is causing you to feel overtaken, confused, lost, out of control?  

Give it a Name.

by Belinda Lams

What used to work doesn't work. 
What used to fit doesn't fit. 


I noticed that my mint plant has been shriveling quickly after watering.  As a novice gardener, I FINALLY realized there may be a problem with the roots.  


I lifted up the container to investigate underneath.  Sure enough, I discovered the roots desperately reaching out through the holes. They had outgrown their current container and went on a mission to find nourishment. 

Common sense says it's time to transplant the mint into a larger container with fresh soil. (No, I haven't done it yet. Why would I listen to someone named Common Sense?) 

How many times do we try to force ourselves to stay in a container that just doesn't fit anymore?  Whether it's a role, a job, a dynamic, a relationship, a pattern, a belief, a paradigm?

Clearly, my mint plant will die if I don't give it the room it needs to expand and develop.

What about you? 
Where do you need to make room for yourself in your life?

by Belinda Lams

There are many ways to see things, yet we often stay committed to one version of reality...even if it keeps us stuck.

A while back, I had a coaching session with a woman who was convinced she couldn't do what she really wanted to do with her life.  

She longed to change careers, but was certain it would lead to her demise. She figured it was better to stay unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of her life than take that risk into the great unknown.

How many times do we choose to stay on that path of mild despair?  We opt for what isn't working instead of learning how to courageously navigate what could potentially work very well.

I get it. I go through this on a daily basis. Here's what I am learning...

Just because something seems like the only option doesn't mean that it is. It just means that it is all I am willing to see. I am looking at my situation through a certain frame which creates this picture. 

So what is the obvious solution?  Reframe, of course. This is a common practice in coaching. We help our clients see what isn't working in their lives and then be willing to shift the way they perceive their situation until they find the release. 

Where are you stuck in your life? What belief, behavior, excuse are you holding tightly, even though it is slowly draining the life out of you?

There is a whole reality outside of the frame you have around your circumstances, your beliefs, your rules, and your patterns. 

Here's a starting point:
Even if you're not willing to change anything at the moment, try reframing your picture to explore some possible new scenarios.  Notice where you feel a sense of relief, openness, hope.

"There are better and worse ways to live, " says one of my teachers, Rabbi Mordecai Finley.  What if you choose better?