by Belinda Lams

We all have these equations about life. By equations, I mean beliefs about how things work. It's the classic if/then calculation. For instance, "If I'm really nice to this person, then they will like me."

 Nice = Liked

These equations run our lives, and often unbeknownst to us. Like secret codes buried in our operating system, they guide us unwittingly to accomplish the complex task of getting our needs met. 

Now, the shocking revelation. Sometimes these equations are false. Remember those True/False tests in grammar school? You get a list of mathematical equations and you must determine if they are true or not by marking T or F.  The beliefs that are running our lives underground are much the same. They may or may not be accurate. Ugh! And if they're not, then what the heck are they doing to my life?!

One such erroneous equation that I've been examining is this:

                                     Non-productive = No value
 
Is this really true? If it is, then every time I'm not producing something tangible, then that has no value. It's a waste of time and life. So, if I really believe and live by this, then a good portion of my life is not valuable because I'm not always producing something tangible. In becoming aware, I can see that this equation gets an F on the T/F scale. 

It's not true because life has cycles and seasons. It has times when we're very productive and times when we're resting, quiet, waiting, contemplating, and internal. Not only does that exist, it's actually necessary. I talked about this in the podcast with artist Dorsey McHugh. (Listen here if you missed it.)

In learning the truth, I see that I am part of the cycle of things. I have dormancy. I have sprouting. I bear fruit. I get exhausted. I go underground. I daydream. AND it's all valuable. There is value in nothing...in no thing.  This is when I get to replenish my nutrients. I get to re-evaluate where I expend my energy. I get to become very close to my inner life and my own soul. I get to receive instead of merely give out like a machine gun in rapid fire. 

Even as I understand the truth, there's a little voice in my head who fights to keep that old equation alive. I understand it has a stake in my productivity because it receives identity there. It believes productivity=value, which equals good. However, that voice is not the truest me and so I gently remind it that there is value in being plus doing, not merely doing.

                                        No thing = Value

If you suffer from diminishing the value of your downtime—of no thing—I encourage you to question your presuppositions. Are they true? Learn to infuse the empty spaces with the same value and meaning as your productive states, with the understanding that they are absolutely necessary. The emptiness must exist. Just like the cycles and seasons of life, you are a part of nature too. 

As my musician husband says, "There is value in the space between the notes, otherwise there would be no song."

by Belinda Lams

Life transitions have this phase that I call the "messy middle." It's the part that comes between what we're leaving and where we're headed. Why messy? Because often it's the place where we aren't sure what to do and may not be sure where we're trying to go. In this state of unknowing, there are urges that try to quickly lure us out of the messiness.  One urge is to hightail it back to where you started. It's familiar. It's probably more comfortable. And yet there was a reason or ten that you had to leave. Another urge is to speed up the process and impatiently force something or anything to happen, just to end the discomfort. And then, there may be an urge to run away from the entire operation. Why put myself through this? I'm outta here!!!

BTW, my favorite, "I'm outta here" scenario goes like this: I move to an anonymous town and get a job in a hotel as a maid. I quietly do my job, have just enough to live on, and let the days roll by without getting involved in life. Of course it's ludicrous if I think it through, but in moments when things seem a bit much, I have that little disappearing fantasy on the back burner of options. 

Back to the messy middle...The tempting strategies I mentioned—retreat, rush, run—will only short-circuit the process. I've found that the most profound and powerful strategy is to hold the space. Hold the messy middle and allow the discomfort. Don't try to wiggle out of it, as hard as it may seem. Like my friend Sue who I interviewed. (Listen here if you missed it.) She is holding the space of discomfort with the separation from her husband and the unknown future.

What does it take? It takes some strength and resolve to hold an uncomfortable posture. Sometimes you have to play little mind tricks so you won't give up. It takes being in the present moment as if it's just as important as any other moment. It takes belief that the new place must be honored by allowing the process to get there. It takes trust that the whole journey is worth it. I'm quite certain that if we can hold the space open, it creates room for the new thing that wants to emerge...the thing we really, deeply want in our soul. 

If you think about it, our whole lifetime between birth and death is the "messy middle". 

by Belinda Lams

I was recently asked to describe what I "do." 
What is my particular brand of coaching?  I said to this gentleman, "Well, at the core, I help pull out the essence of a person, which tends to get buried under there somewhere," pointing to the heart.

"Then I help the person align to that truest, highest part of who they are and learn how to live from that authentic center in everyday life."

He said, "So...you're a chiropractor for the soul." 

Hmmm.

Think about it. What is it like to be out of alignment in your body?  It's uncomfortable. It starts to wreak havoc on your nerves, muscles, and movement. Now apply that to your life in general. When you are out of alignment with your true self, life isn't working very well. You have inner conflict. You have a sense of dis-ease...disease.

On the flip side, what is is like to be in alignment?  Things seem right. Congruent. Life is working, flowing, healthy. You have a sense of well-being. (If you didn't notice already, this one is better. Being in alignment with your truest self is definitely the one to pick here.)

Funny thing is, most of us walk around out of alignment a lot of the time. Why? Because it requires effort to access the deep, inner self and it's not the default position of the human being. We tend to default into our ego self (as Rabbi Finley calls it).  We walk through life solving, managing, operating in what seems to be all of who we are. But at some point, we find ourselves in some kind of turmoil, or making poor decisions, or having relationship struggles, or addiction problems. We find ourselves way, way out of alignment, chafing against the part of us that wants something better.

When we live according to our default position, though it seems pretty good (and it can be), it isn't enough. We must find that wiser, truer, still, small voice of our soul which helps us become aware of a better way to operate. In this center place, we can find love, we can find compassion, we can find forgiveness...the qualities that bring the rest of our being (including our bodies) into better form. We become aligned. At ease.

So, how do you get there?  Well, this is the first step. You need to know that it's possible. Then you need to access that higher self. On a very practical level, here is something you can try right now.

Take deep breaths and think about certain words as you slowly breathe in and out. Imagine each word filling your whole being. Words like:
 
Love...freedom...kindness...beauty...forgiveness...acceptance...hope...radiance...healing...

You can see right away that these words are from the higher self. Right?  For instance, if you say words like compete...strive...worry...manipulate...demand...blame...you will have a very different experience. (Don't use these.)

Now,  practice filling your mind and body with soulful words over and over. Drink them in. Let them wash in and through you until you feel a softening, maybe even a blissful sensation. Practice them every day, every time you think of this. Make it your prayer. You will slowly begin to shift yourself into alignment. You may notice yourself a little lighter. A little kinder. A little closer to true you.

How do you get in alignment? I would love to hear. You can email me or leave comments here.

by Belinda Lams

My friend Paula took up painting with pastel chalks. One of the brilliant attributes about pastels is the ability to erase. 

If the artist doesn't like the piece, she can actually take a brush and swipe the canvas.  However, not all of the chalk can be removed. There are remnants of texture and hue left behind. 

The beauty is that these remnants become part of the next draft. They are incorporated into the new picture, providing some of the richer qualities that weren't there the first time around. 

Paula says it makes the painting more beautiful than it was originally.  

I believe her.

The losses, the hurt, the pain, the mistakes - they are all a part of the painting we create with our lives. As we learn to incorporate the dark night of the soul, we become a person of depth; rich with color and lined with character.