by Belinda Lams

What is your pet story? (Not the one about your dog). What is your favorite well-worn negative story about yourself? What have you been using to define yourself in the world?

Recently, a woman was telling me about her relationship with her boyfriend. She hasn't been sure if he is fully committed to her. He doesn't communicate for a while, then shows up again as if nothing happened. She has been starting to wonder if he might be using her...but then quickly explains, "Well, I'm insecure you know. I've always been that way."  That's her pet story. 

Another person told me that the reason he is stuck in life is because of his "primal self-loathing and shame."  When I pushed in a little bit to explore the possibilities of freedom, he defended his position as if it was sacred territory. He could never let that one go. That's his pet story. 

We all have at least one pet story. It's a belief, idea, or judgment that we've attached to our identity and use to operate in the world. It typically gives us license to be much less than we can be. If we don't have the story, then what? Who are we without it?

Try this exercise. I'd love to hear what you discover.

•Define your pet story.
•Give it margins and see it as separate from the real you.
•Examine and determine what it would be like if you didn't have it in your operating system.
•If you're willing, try letting it go as an experiment.
•If you like living without it, consider leaving it behind.
•If you prefer living with it, then by all means....

by Belinda Lams

I'm fascinated by the way human beings perceive reality. We create worlds of beliefs to help us navigate our way through life. Without examination, these beliefs seem to be infallible truth. Right? 

I think I know what is going with myself and other people, only to find out that they see it a completely different way. But my truth seems more...well, true.

Sometimes  our "truth" causes us a great deal of pain. It often keeps us in our lower emotions of anger, jealousy, entitlement, resentment...you get where I'm going. So, if we were to examine our beliefs, would they hold up to scrutiny? 

I've been enjoying a book by Byron Katie called, "Loving What Is."  She has a nice little work-through to help you get to the underlying beliefs causing angst, stress, anger, etc. She calls it the 4 Questions and a Turnaround. 

Her basic premise is that we don't accept reality as it is.  We don't accept ourselves or other people. We have thoughts and beliefs about what is going on that create pain and disconnection. Our relationships suffer. We try to run other people's lives for them instead of focusing on the one we actually have power over...our own.
We project our rules of reality onto the world and they don't always work. 

In order to gain freedom from each untruth, she suggests that we formulate a statement of our belief and then ask ourselves this first question:  Is this thought true?  Then the second question: Can I absolutely prove it's true? 

When we examine our thoughts, beliefs, premises (especially the ones causing grief), we often find that they aren't always true. In fact, sometimes they're a flat out lie. 

She then suggests that once we determine if our belief is absolutely true or not,  we ask ourselves the third question: How do I feel with that thought? It's usually not very good. 

Then the fourth question: If I couldn't think the thought, how would I feel? That's a tricky one, because as soon as someone says not to think something, it's hard to stop.  But, if you play with the idea, you quickly realize that without the thought you actually feel better. It proves her point that our thoughts (beliefs) are what is causing us most of the pain. 

Then comes the turnaround. In this step you rephrase the belief a number of ways until you find one that rings more true than the way you've been spinning it. For instance, if the belief is, "My spouse should stop telling me what to do." The turnarounds could be:  I should stop telling me what to do. (How am I doing this to myself?) I should stop telling my spouse what to do. (Am I willing to live by the same rules I'm demanding?) My spouse should tell me what to do (unless he/she doesn't).  That's my spouse's choice. Huh...

I'm finding this to be extremely helpful in getting to the root of my triggers and discomforts quickly. 

How do you feel with THIS thought? :-)

by Belinda Lams

I went to Beverly's funeral yesterday. She had lived a good, long life, but her sudden death was shocking and unexpected. 

A friend sitting next to me during the service said that she would let Beverly's life remind her to seize each moment. She wouldn't wait until tomorrow to say or do the things that mattered to her.  She often waits.

Out to the gravesite, dirt being shoveled on top of the white box, a young mother said that she would keep this as a reminder to connect with her children. She gets caught up in the hustle bustle of daily life.

I was again reminded why I do what I do with my life. 

I too had the lesson at a funeral years ago. I also made a decision to make each day count.  I didn't want the hustle bustle to be my excuse. I wanted to ensure that it wouldn't take another funeral to wake me up.  

So I built it into my life's work.

I vowed to help other people find their deep desire and purpose and live it out each day. While I help them, they help me, and together we keep the lesson alive. 

This little quote sits on my desk. I found it right after my daughter died.

"Many people don't know that there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don't get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life." -brian andreas

What keeps you awake?

by Belinda Lams (thx for the inspiration P)

I've been furiously writing a course on prioritizing life dreams and how to find that first place to focus (you'll hear about this very soon).

I also run Mastermind Groups and in them I have people find one thing they want to focus on for 12 weeks and see to fruition with the support of the  group. 

As I've gotten further down the road in the process, I am noticing that the one thing people focus on may not always be a dream, but the thing that is keeping them from having their dream.

One of the Group members said that so many aspects of her life opened up once she got her one big obstacle out of the way.

That one thing is like a boulder blocking the flow of water in a stream. Not much is getting around it. Once you remove it....watch out. 

What is that one thing for you? What would make the biggest difference if you were able to eliminate it from your life? What would open up?

(When you ask yourself these questions, I encourage to notice what shows up right away and don't put a judgment on it. Just notice.)