Soul Organizer Blog

You Are Here (in case you weren't sure)

10/26/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 9: When The Pill Is Bitter — Janice Freeman

by Belinda Lams

"Once I let go, everything started to flourish."
-Janice Freeman

Did you know that you are living between arrows?

One arrow is the force toward change and the other is the force opposing change. The strength of these forces is holding you where you are.

If you want to change something in your life, you very simply boost the force for change and weaken the force against change. Sounds so easy. (It's not).

In the podcast episode with Janice Freeman, she talked about her life as a victim of many abuses and illnesses. The force toward change was her desire to have a joyful life; no more abuse, no more toxic relationships.

The force toward change was strong. But the force against change was equally strong; a negative self-view and holding bitterness toward people who betrayed her.

Those opposing forces kept her stuck in the victim position.

She was able to move toward the change once she saw herself as a beautiful person of value and once she released that bitterness toward others. She was no longer a victim, but an empowered woman, living a joyful life.

And she became a powerful VOICE to help others who are stuck between the arrows.

If you haven't heard her interview, check it out. You'll be so glad you did.

Who Or What Is Controlling Your Life?

9/30/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 8: When The Jig Is Up — Dan Tocchini

by Belinda Lams

"I've gotten a chance to really get connected to my own life sentence and own it rather than it owning me."

-Dan Tocchini

Question: Who or what is in control?

I used to think that "I" was in control. After attending Breakthrough Training (founded by Dan Tocchini) and many years of introspection and study, I learned that there is not one easy answer.

There are a multitude of motives, sub-personalities, perspectives, beliefs, emotions, outside forces that are vying for control of your life at any given moment. It's not simply just You.

However, if you dig way down inside of yourself, you will discover a thematic belief system that tends to dominate (although it may be hard to detect). Dan Tocchini calls this your Life Sentence.

Every one of us has a Life Sentence; a particular collection of core wounds which influence our lives unconsciously.

For instance, in Dan's episode, he shared that his Life Sentence was a belief that he was a fraud — a liar. He could trace the origin of that belief back to age 7. As a child with a terrific imagination, his dad flippantly remarked that he exaggerated, calling him a liar. It stuck.

That belief began shaping his life. It informed his feelings, his choices, his relationships, and became his reality — he became a lying fraud in many areas of his life.

That may not be your core wound, but perhaps some of yours are on this list:

I'm not lovable.
I'm not enough.
I'm not smart.
I'm not worthy.
I don't do it right.
I'm a screw-up.
I'm a nobody.

When your Life Sentence is in control, your world becomes a series of compensatory strategies to try and get your needs met, usually in some inauthentic way. And it generally doesn't work.

One of my clients carried a core wound that she wasn't lovable for who she was. So, she excessively focused on trying to please others in order to get loved or feel that she was lovable.

Yet, all that effort didn't work. She didn't feel more lovable for who she was because ultimately she wasn't being authentic enough to find out. Instead she became resentful.

Whenever her Life Sentence would start to emerge, she would
shove it down, ignore it, or deny it, which also didn't work. Eventually it would resurface. Why?

Your Life Sentence really wants and needs to be healed. I believe this is part of your life's work on your Hero's Journey.

Once you become aware of the underlying beliefs that are controlling your life, a possibility opens for that healing to begin.

Step by step, layer by layer, you can begin the journey of rewriting your Sentence.

What Is The Story That Keeps You Stuck?

9/22/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 8: When The Jig Is Up — Dan Tocchini

by Belinda Lams

"If you don't have results,
you have stories.
The stories are designed to make you right about not
having results."

-Dan Tocchini

If you're feeling stuck in life right now, you're not alone.

As uncomfortable and confining as it seems, it is truly a stop on the way to somewhere that your Soul is trying to take you.

"Stuck" is actually a place of teaching.

It tells you where you are, what you want AND what is blocking you. But you must tune into its lesson, figure out what needs attention, and then you can move on.

In Dan Tocchini's episode, he shares the concept that our stories can keep us stuck. They prevent us from having the desires that we REALLY want; connection with our spouse, financial stability, a healthy body, meaning in our work, etc.

Stories are inner narratives that we have running all the time.

They are based on mini-beliefs strung together into a storyline. One belief leads to another and to another and then Oila! Storytime.

Let me normalize this for you. We are all living out little stories every day. It's part of being human. Some stories are very empowering. Yay! But some stories keep us trapped. :-(

The good new is, you can rewrite your story.

How? Investigative inquiry.

When you hit that Wall of Stuck in your path and you feel hemmed in...when you can't see a door or a window and you don't know what to do...then it's an opportune time to investigate and inquire into your story.

What got you here? What do you believe about yourself, your relationships, your experience, the world that keeps you at this Wall of Stuck?

I coached with a woman who was very stuck in her life. She wasn't thriving and wasn't getting what she wanted, which was financial stability, intimacy in her marriage, and happiness. Upon inquiry into her story, she discovered that she was waiting for her husband to figure it out. Then and only then would she have what she longed for.

Lo and behold, her husband wasn't figuring it out at all. And she started to go into despair. Sitting at the Wall of Stuck. Sitting in her story that it was up to him to make the moves so she could ultimately be happy.

We talked about the solid Wall with no doors and no windows. I had her look at all the places she was saying, I can't because _________. Or It won't happen because _____________.

Those phrases are sign-posts on the stuck journey. They are your clues. They are the mini beliefs that are holding you at the Wall.

Here is a work-through to help you get unstuck:

1. Understand that it starts with you and your story.
What do you insist that must happen in order for you to get unstuck?

2. Identify all the "can'ts" and find out exactly what those beliefs are saying.
Ask if they are really true? You might think they are, but consider that they aren't. BTW: Often fear is behind the cant's.

3. Open up your creative mind to new possibilities.
When you're stuck, you hyper-focus on the ONE AND ONLY option and since it won't or can't happen, you stay at the Wall.

Instead, consider there are hundreds (maybe thousands) of possibilities to emancipate yourself. You just have to be willing to entertain them.

At some point (I guarantee), you will find the opening.
A door or window will appear. The pressure will soften. And you will continue on your journey with a new level of wisdom.

So, what is the story that is keeping you at the Wall of Stuck?

Speaking of...Dan has an upcoming training called "The Opening" on September 29 & 30. Learn more.

Everyone Has Their Own Journey

8/26/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 7: When The Tide Goes Out — Madeleine Brandli

by Belinda Lams

"We have this beautiful time with our children, and then they're supposed to go away."
-Madeleine Brandli

Is there someone in your life with whom you're entirely frustrated?

You look at their choices and think they're making huge errors. If they would just listen to you, they would have a much better life, as would you. So you come at them from various angles to convince them of YOUR vision for THEIR life. You advise, suggest, scold, guilt, nudge, hound, and even criticize.

This is a very common way to approach a close relationship, especially when you have something at stake.

I have a question: How is this working out?

My guess...not very well.

Generally people don't like to be told what to do.

Flip the scenario to you.
If someone were doing that to you, would you appreciate it? If they kept telling you how to live and what your choices should be and how you shouldn't have that struggle or those feelings, you would probably be very anxious to get them off your back.

So back to them.
Chances are that they don't appreciate it either.

I know, I know. It's hard to withhold ourselves from trying to reach across and grab the steering wheel of someone else's life. Especially with our kids who are transitioning into adulthood and beyond. Oh, and with our spouses. And maybe some other people nearby as well.

If you take an honest look at your own behavior and find that you tend to monitor, suggest, correct, or criticize someone to do THEIR life YOUR way, consider that there is another way to relate, which yields much better results.

Ready?

It starts with this core belief:

Each person is a sovereign individual with their own desires, struggles, rights, and soul path.

No one can do their life for them, nor should they. Their sovereignty as a human being needs to be respected. This means you cannot (or should not) do their life for them. It's theirs to live and theirs to grow, mistakes and struggles and all.

If that core belief becomes your launching place, then how would you be different toward that person? What else could you do besides try to control?

Here's an example from Madeleine's story in the most recent podcast episode.

When her grown daughter decided to become estranged from her, Madeleine was devastated and not sure what to do. At one time in her life, she may have felt that her daughter had no right to run off. She may have wanted to continually bombard her with emails and scold, shame, or guilt her. She may have wanted to chase after her and plead with her to come back. She may have wanted to become angry and bitter that her daughter would dare do such a thing to her mother.

But that's not what she did. Why?
Because she had learned about the sovereignty of a person's soul journey on earth. She understood that her daughter chose to leave for her own private reasons, even though as a mom it was difficult to understand. She learned that the most wise, loving, and respectful thing would be to accept the choice her daughter made and release her to her own journey. Whatever that was. Even if it included suffering for each of them.

During this time of separation, Madeleine chose to work on her side of street. She took inventory of her own issues and worked them through as best she could. She chose to find healing. She chose to send love from her heart to her daughter's heart, even though they weren't speaking. She kept herself open to the relationship in the big picture.

Six years later, her daughter showed up and they had a beautiful reconnection. No words were spoken about what had happened. Madeleine just welcomed her with open arms.

All of this came because she had chosen to hold the core belief that people must go on their own path and it wasn't her job to try to control another person's life, including her daughter's.

Again...back to you.
If you see that you're trying to control someone else's life in some way, take a look at your core beliefs.

What do you believe about people that would give you permission to attempt to take over their steering wheel and/or criticize them if they don't do it your way?

What would it look like if you released that person to their own journey, even if it includes suffering?

There's much more to explore here, but I'll leave you with these soul searching questions for now.

Please feel free to write to me with your thoughts and comments.

Courage To Stand Alone

8/20/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 7: When The Tide Goes Out — Madeleine Brandli

by Belinda Lams

"I was walking down a path that the people around me didn't understand at all."
-Madeleine Brandli

Have you ever had to make a difficult decision and basically nobody supported you? I certainly have.

It's enough that the decision is difficult, let alone the lack of support. Who wants to have everyone around you question your choice? Who wants to feel misunderstood? Who wants to walk a difficult path alone?

Not I. I'm guessing you don't enjoy it either.

Yet those stand-alone moments come and I assert that they can bring profound and unexpected treasures.

In Madeleine's podcast episode, she shared about a stand-alone moment when her daughter had cut off all communication with her. She had to decide how to go forward and was seeking the best way — the way that brought peace to her soul.

It wasn't all that peaceful at first because people around her didn't understand her choice to release her daughter to her own journey. They had other ideas for Madeleine and how she should handle this situation. She listened and considered, but ultimately knew this was her choice to make.

So there she was.
Standing alone.

And then...a different kind of support emerged.

She found Courage.
She cultivated the ability to stand in the face of fear, opposition, and aloneness.

She found Trust.
She was able to trust in the big story of life. Even if things didn't go her way, she kept her heart open.

She found Wisdom.
She understood that there are moments in life where you make a choice that will not be understood. She found loving acceptance for the other viewpoints, and yet stood firmly in her decision.

She may not have found those gifts had she not been alone.

Which led her to find Gratitude.
She was grateful to have the opportunity to face her fears and receive these treasures in their place.

Should You Forgive?

7/29/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 6: When The Devil Is In The Details — Sarah Tueting

by Belinda Lams
photo: Jeff Lams

"Learning to forgive myself for being human, suddenly I could learn and grow."
-Sarah Tueting

When someone wrongs you, should you forgive them?

For the first half of my life, I would have said, yes. That's because I was raised in the Christian religion with its teachings about forgiveness. What I understood was that we are to forgive 70x7, which was a metaphor for always. We should always forgive anyonefor anything. Jesus even said about those who crucfied him, "Father forgive them, for they don't know what they're doing." It's quite possible that this interpretation was not the original intent, but nevertheless, it's what I understood and clumsily tried to practice.

Forgiveness as seen through the Lens of Mercy.

In the second half of my life, I started exploring outside of the Christian framework and began studying other thought, especially Judaism. What I found out is that there was no such obligationto always forgive everyone for everything. There are many more subtleties and gradations of wrongs and reparations. It's not blanket forgiveness. It's precise and proportionate.

Forgiveness as seen through the Lens of Justice.

[I realize that these are gross generalizations, as there are many more complexities in both of these religions than I'm prepared to talk about in this article. :-)]

So, I was thinking about Sarah's episode and how she, her husband, and infant twins were severely wronged by an unapologetic sociopath. She couldn't just give this woman a mercy pass. The crime was beyond her capacity for compassion.

Grappling with shock, anger, and the desire for fairness (which she didn't get in the legal system), she had the Lens of Justice fully focused.

Through courageous inner spiritual work, Sarah came to something astounding — beyond the Lenses of Mercy and Justice.

She was able to forgive this person. Not because she was human and flawed (Mercy). Not because she was remorseful. She wasn't (Justice).

She found forgiveness as seen through the Lens of Wisdom.

Wisdom includes all of it; Mercy AND Justice. It's an integration and a transcendence beyond the binary either/or way of seeing things.

In her spiritual journey, Sarah was able to transcend this realm where we all generally live. She could see from a higher vantage point which included all of reality; evil, good, the grey in between. When she accepted this existence of reality, she was able to find forgiveness. In fact she said that she became forgiveness and forgiveness only knows how to forgive.

But what about forgiveness towards herself?

Here she was this incredible 2-time-Olympic-medalist-ice-hockey-goalie, whose main job is to protect the net. She was excellent at being vigilant for any kind of threat. So, when this horrific crime went on undetected, she had the worst guilt. How could she not have known? She said, "Every mom knows how to protect their young and I failed."

While she's not out there trying to intentionally harm people, she does have a part — she calls her Human — that falls short of her ideals. And that part needed to be reconciled in order to move forward in a healthy way.

She understood that her Human isn't all of who she is. She is also a Soul which is expansive and joyous and wise.

Sarah was able to extend forgiveness toward her Human from that Soulful Lens of Wisdom.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it! I'm in awe.

P.S. I would love to help you navigate your soulful Hero's Journey. Just reach out to set up a free consult: [email protected]

Hero's Journey or Victim's Journey

7/22/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 6: When The Devil Is In The Details — Sarah Tueting

by Belinda Lams

I write this blog on the day of my Mother In-Law's passing — the journey of life and death fresh on my mind.

May her memory be for a blessing.

(Thanks to Jeff Lams for helping to flesh this out)

On this journey of life, each one of us will receive a "call to adventure."

This call is some kind of challenge to your status quo. It might be an extreme crisis, or it could simply be a disappointment that things aren't going your way.

You can refuse that call and become a Victim.
Or you can say yes and become a Hero.

Look at Sarah Tueting. In her podcast episode, she shared about an unfathomable tragedy when she discovered that her babies had been abused. She was shocked, devastated, and knocked down. After allowing herself to go through the range of emotions, she eventually arrived at this insight:

Yes, Evil had injured her babies.
But, Evil would continue to injure them long-term if she didn't cut off its power.

That's when she said yes to the Hero's Journey.

But, what if she had said yes to the Victim's Journey? Imagine if she used her status as a legal victim to become an emotional victim for the rest of her life?

Let's do a side by side comparison. In this examination, let's say that the Hero and the Victim have received the same painful call to adventure.

The Victim will choose the wound instead of the healing.
The Hero will choose the healing instead of the wound.

The Victim will cultivate injustice instead of forgiveness.
The Hero will cultivate forgiveness instead of injustice.

The Victim will cling to the anger and resentment.
The Hero will release the anger before it becomes resentment.

The Victim will blame everything and everyone.
The Hero will take responsibility and help others with their experience.

The Victim will carry a grudge and become disfigured.
The Hero will let go and become radiant.

The Victim will whine and complain.
The Hero will be grateful and loving.

The Victim will become defensive, protective, and shut down.
The Hero will become resilient, flexible, and open.

The Victim will infect their relationships with their victim story.
The Hero will bless their relationships with their courageous story.

The Victim will say they had no choice.
The Hero will say that there is always a choice.

We all choose to be a Victim at times. It's a human default reaction. However, once we are aware, we have the opportunity to get on that brave path of transformation.

Whatever you're going through right now, you can shift onto this heroic path starting right now, while you're still here.

And here is a shameless plug: I can help you with my Wisdom Life Coaching. I would be honored to guide you from Victim to Hero. It is possible and I would love to be part of your new story.

Email: [email protected] if you're ready to do this! I'm here for you.

Despair Then Transformation

6/24/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 5: When The River Runs Dry — Naomi Collins-Beltz

by Belinda Lams

"Despair is a last protection."
-David Whyte

"Despair is a part of the metamorphosis."
-Naomi Collins-Beltz

Healing. Transformation. Fulfillment.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Pain. Depression. Despair.

Yes. Yes. And yes.

What?!!! No!!!

Really...yes. The painful parts of our lives serve a profound purpose. While our culture tries to tell us that any pain is bad and should be immediately resolved with some kind of magic pill, it eliminates a necessary and powerful component from our process.

In her podcast episode, Naomi shared about a period of depression and despair. Her life felt like a bait and switch. She had thought she was heading toward the Promised Land of fulfillment and actualization. Instead, she found herself on Survivor Island, feeling abandoned and forgotten.

Through this painful and dark experience, she learned that Survivor Island and the Promised Land share the same territory. In order to have one, you must have the other.

Despair is a part of transformation.
It brings you right up to the edge of your life where you feel at a loss. Then you have an opportunity to shed your current ways of thinking and behaving in order to discover new ones.

Despair is an indicator that something needs attention.
Rather than making it bad or wrong (or making yourself bad or wrong), try going into it. What is it telling you?

Despair won't last forever.
Even though it may feel interminable, it will surely end. Everything has a season. If you resist the pain, it actually gets stronger. Try relaxing into it and learn its teaching.

Accept What Is

6/17/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 5: When The River Runs Dry — Naomi Collins-Beltz

by Belinda Lams

"I think this is the definition of insanity: when I'm living my life, but I'm denying what's happening."
-Naomi Collins-Beltz

What if everything is as it should be right now.

I don’t know if I fully believe that idea philosophically, but lately I have been trying it on to see if it's helpful. And you know what? It just might be. (check out my thought experiment below)

In Naomi's episode, she talked about a certain kind of "insanity" that occurs when we deny the reality of what is happening in our lives.

Here are a few common "insane" statements:

This can't be happening! (Yet it is.)
I shouldn't feel this way. (But you do.)
Life is NOT supposed to be like this. (Still it is.)

This disbelief or denial about what is happening is a defense mechanism. Life isn't going your way, it hurts, and you can't stand the pain. So you erect an alternate reality and hide under its illusory protection.

But...what if everything really is as it should be right now.

What if we can say:

This is happening and it hurts. (And it's ok)
I feel afraid. (And it's ok)
Life is supposed to be like this because it is. (AND it's ok)

When you accept what is, you can find authentic solutions.

The hurt can be looked after. (You start to heal)
The fear can be faced. (You gain courage)
The difficulty can be a calling. (You transform)

As Naomi said, "If everything in your life is happening to get you to wake up…then the circumstance you’re in is what you need."

Choose sanity: Accept the reality of the moment and then make your next choice from there.

THOUGHT EXPERIMENT:
Think of a situation that you currently find particularly difficult. Now say, it’s not supposed to be this way. This can’t be happening.
Notice how it feels in your body. Notice the thoughts that come after that initial thought.

Now try this. Think of the exact same difficult situation that you are currently experiencing. Say to yourself, everything is the way it’s supposed to be right now. (You may be resisting this idea, but just try it). Everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be right now.
Notice your body sensations and the thoughts the proceed from that perspective.

Check out Naomi's E-book with companion E-Journal, "7days-7Steps to Living IN Sanity" on Amazon.

Grief Relief

5/27/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 4: When The Truth Is A Lie — Dani Davis

by Belinda Lams

"It's okay to love a lot and lose a lot,
and love again."
-Dani Davis

"When we don't deal with our pain and grief, we can become disfigured and diminish the gift of life we have to yet live."
-Belinda Lams

"I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything is okay now. I should be happy, right?"

This is what I often hear from my clients after they get through an ordeal. When the heavy pressure is over, they imagine there will be no more pain and sorrow.

While there is a momentary relief after a crisis, the journey isn't complete.

Enduring a crisis—engaging challenges—requires a powerful and focused energy. There isn't much time to think about anything else except getting to the other side without losing too many limbs.

Once the pressure is off, there is time to reflect; to review what happened, account for the losses, and check in with yourself.

In Dani's episode, she shares of this exact experience. Everything was "fine" on paper, yet something didn't feel right. Through our coaching sessions, we identified that it was time to grieve what had happened and all that she had lost.

Regarding the loss of her marriage she says, “In that moment I lost my husband, I lost my creative partner, I lost my business partner, I lost my parenting partner, I lost myself…”

People don’t just bounce back after a difficult experience of loss. The body and soul need to purge the collected pain. If you skip this very important process, the pain will visit you in other ways, leaking out through seemingly unrelated symptoms.

Grief provides the authentic path to healing.

Whether you lose a person, your health, your belief system, your dreams, all of these need to be honored by the grieving process. This creates a clear and healthy space within from which to journey onward.