Soul Organizer Blog

Hold The Space

5/18/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 4: When The Truth Is A Lie — Dani Davis

by Belinda Lams

"If we get the opportunity to be an ally to someone in their Hero's Journey, that's a gift."
-Dani Davis

We are taught to lend a helping hand to those in need. This is common human decency.

We are not always taught which type of help is the most effective in a given circumstance.

In Dani's episode, she talked about seeing people in their struggle and her desire to lend that hand. She offered help in many active and tangible ways: She wrote a song performed by Broadway singers to raise money for my daughter's bone marrow transplant. (see video). She pulled her kids out of an emotional nose dive after her divorce.

Active and tangible help can be very effective in certain situations. However, it's not the only way to help.

Through her personal crisis, Dani learned that sometimes the best help was much less obvious. She learned to quietly hold the space for someone as they traverse their painful struggle. Though it may seem passive, it's quite the opposite.

Holding the space for someone means that you are intently with them as a loving presence.

You create a safe context for their struggle to exist; without judgment, without answers, without advising, without fixing. You are merely being with them in their struggle.

Painful struggles are a part of life.

We all have them at one time or another. In our desire to help, we often want to fast-track people through their struggle because we can't stand to see suffering. We want to make it go away. If we can say the right words, or distract them, or try to fix it for them, then we feel like we've helped.

Struggles are there for a reason.

As a Coach, I've learned that people need to be in their struggle and to honor it as such. If it is short-circuited and fast-tracked, the person doesn't have the opportunity to allow healing and transformation to occur.

Holding the space allows the struggle to exist; to be felt and patiently observed.

Dani talked about the struggle she encountered after her crisis had passed. Everything was "fine" on the outside, but then she started feeling really low and wasn't able to discern what was going on. Through coaching, we identified that everything had caught up to her and she needed to pause and grieve the losses.

So, we gave that grief room to exist. I didn't take it away from her or tell her to get over it and move on. We just sat in that context together and she began to process and heal.

When you fill that space with your fears, your solutions, your opinions, it crowds out the inner wisdom that can emerge. People often know what to do already. They really just need the space and permission to go through their own journey.

The Holy Window

4/28/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 3: When The Light Is Dark — Clayton Light

by Belinda Lams

"I had to seize that moment or just give up for good."
-Clayton Light

Life can feel so random at times.

Then there are those moments when everything seems to come together.

The clouds part and you are invited to change your life.

In Clayton's episode, he talked about a window of opportunity that opened up for him when his life was falling apart. Had there been other windows? Perhaps. But there was something very special about this one.

It came at a particular time and place. When the stars were aligned. The conditions were right. It was radiating beams of hope to his heart that hadn't been as obvious with the other windows. He knew this one was different. So...he seized it. He made a choice, got on the sober train, and has been on it ever since.

That's really what "The Moment When..." podcast is about. Those moments when we get a clear message that shifts our reality. We have a longing for change. The moment arrives. We are presented with a choice.

Opportunities pass.

These windows don't stay open forever. Yes, there could be another one down the road, but what if there isn't? What if this one is THE ONE? When everything is lined up and waiting for you to decide to walk through that opening.

While not every decision carries such high stakes, Clayton's choice really was about life or death. If he had continued on his path of addiction, it eventually would have killed him. He had the sense that this holy window of opportunity was his last. He says,

"I came to the fork in the road; are you going to live or are you going to die?"

He decided to live.

BECOME A MONTHLY PATRON

MAKE A ONE-TIME DONATION

The Blunt Truth

4/17/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 3: When The Light Is Dark — Clayton Light

by Belinda Lams

"Dropping all the bullshit and being honest
was a turning point."
-Clayton Light

Years ago, I attended a personal transformation seminar.

There were opportunities for the participants to share something personal with the group. Many times, we would hear something that felt like a well-rehearsed script. It sounded nice in some way, but fell a little flat.

And then, there were moments when someone would share something very authentic and vulnerable. We all knew it was the truth because it landed with a thud.

The atmosphere of the room would change. Even if that truth was difficult, it would bring hope into our hearts.

In Clayton's episode, he admitted that he hadn't told himself the truth of his condition. In avoiding the truth, he stayed stuck in the addiction.

He finally looked in the mirror and said, "You're a drunk who's been thrown out by his wife. You've lost your business. You've lost your family. You've lost everything and you're sick!"

From that acknowledgement of the truth, he was able to take the steps toward change.

The truth is a key that unlocks the door to transformation.

In his recovery, Clayton's mentor had him seek repair with those whom he had hurt through his addiction. Before he would approach each person, he would write out exactly what he wanted to say, allowing his mentor to review.

After he carefully wrote one such paragraph, his mentor crossed it out and wrote, "I lied." Again, that truth landed with a thud. All the extraneous words couldn't say it as powerfully as the blunt truth.

All of us avoid telling ourselves the truth at one point or another. Often it's too painful to see. Sometimes, we know it will require taking courageous action which we're afraid to take. What is it for you?

Denial may keep us safe, but it also keeps us stuck.

BECOME A MONTHLY PATRON

MAKE A ONE-TIME DONATION

Message In The Body

3/25/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 2: When A House Collapses — Robin Severn-Fischette

by Belinda Lams

"Every sensation and symptom in the body is an opportunity to address or access the important language hidden within!"
-Dr. Henry Grayson, PhD

“It's okay to rest...I'm okay just breathing and just being on the planet. Sometimes, that actually can be a greater gift to the people around me than the striving and the ambition.”
-Robin Severn-Fischette

Dedicated to our dad, Bill Severn, on his 35th yahrzeit. May his memory be for a blessing.

It is becoming widely understood that stress is behind illness.

In Robin's episode, she said that her shoulders were always up around her ears, yet she didn't really notice because it was normal. Eventually her body started breaking down with severe symptoms. One doctor told her that if she didn't calm down, no amount of medicine would help her.

Mind/body connection is a popular term these days. The idea being that our mind is responsible for much of what we experience in the body. If we're not aware of what our mind is processing or what kind of stress we're living in, our body can convey that message through symptoms.

We can exacerbate our body with thoughts AND we can also calm it down.

I'm no expert and I don't have any extensive study in this, but it seems pretty clear to me. For example, when I'm anxious about something, I have a physical manifestation; tight muscles, butterflies in my stomach, sweating, urge to flee..it's all one experience. If I have a steady stream of these kinds of thoughts, emotions, and symptoms, my body is disrupted from its optimal function. And then the slippery slope of disease can set in.

If we accept this possibility, then what can open up for us?

Consider that our bodies are telling a story of our lives. Every symptom is a like a metaphor. If we have a headache, perhaps we're grinding in our thoughts. If we have a tight solar plexus, maybe it's acting as armor to protect us from something. If we have auto-immune responses, perhaps we are attacking ourselves in some way.

If your body is telling the truth of your life, what is it saying? And what can you do with that information?

Find Robin at livluvlifestyle.com

BECOME A MONTHLY PATRON

MAKE A ONE-TIME DONATION

Up To You

3/18/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 2: When A House Collapses — Robin Severn-Fischette

By Belinda Lams

"Joy doesn't come from circumstances, it comes
from inside."
-Robin Severn-Fischette

When we experience distress in our lives, the first thing we want to do is find the source so we can snuff it out and feel better. Sound about right?

One of Robin’s big ahas came when she understood that she was actually responsible for her own life and happiness. It wasn’t up to anyone else. While that is such a rational thought, most of us don’t think that way naturally. We have a default setting that quickly casts blame to someone or something else whenever we don’t feel good in life.

So what does that default setting say?

Rabbi Mordecai Finley (my most influential teacher about the inner life) lays out this default belief equation beautifully. He says that IF we feel horrible, insecure, frustrated, depressed, angry, etc., THEN it must have been caused by something outside of us. We can't imagine that it could generate from within.
And so we begin the search for the culprit. Once we find something or someone that seems to fit the description, we attack.

When you see that default belief in black and white, it’s quite shocking. We don’t want to think that we could stoop so low. But we do.

The good news is that we also have a part of us that can be rooted in empowering beliefs and best practices. We can understand that no one and no thing has that kind of power over us unless we give it permission. We can actually decide what we will allow to distress and dominate us.

If you own that responsibility, then it’s really up to you to decide if you want to be a joyous, thriving person, regardless of your circumstances. Or you can decide if you want to be a victim to the erratic winds that blow around you.

Personal responsibility is a core principle in personal transformation.

When Robin fully understood this principle, she began to get her power back. And with that, she could choose to take care of herself and get her health back. She could choose to love herself and get her sense of self back. She could choose to extricate herself from toxicity and get her joy back.

She says, "Never give your power away."

Find Robin at livluvlifestyle.com

BECOME A MONTHLY PATRON

MAKE A ONE-TIME DONATION

Making Sense of Things

2/23/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 1: When Lightning Strikes Twice — Lisa DeLong

By Belinda Lams

"It's all about expanding
spiritual awareness."
-Lisa Solis DeLong

We move through life with certain theories and beliefs about how things work. Whether we realize it or not, these theories and beliefs are guiding our interpretations and consequently our every decision.

In other words, they are shaping the life we have right now.

For example, in Lisa’s story, she had a theory that even though life had dealt her a blow, things would recover and she would live happily ever after. So, even though her son Justin suffered with leukemia and went through the treatment, he would stay in remission and life would be great. And certainly, none of her other children would go through something so traumatic.

I thought the same thing with my daughter Aria. When she got leukemia, went through the years of treatment, and then achieved remission, I believed that was enough suffering for one person (or a family). And we would be done.

We were wrong. There was much more suffering to come.

So the theories blew up. They didn’t make sense because they didn’t fit with reality; with what was actually happening.

Now what? Well, for Lisa (and for myself) her theories and beliefs got challenged to the core and she accepted that challenge. (Not without a fight).

Her paradigm cracked. And as we humans do, she wanted to make sense of things.

Paradigms are like anchors. The ground us in this world. They make us feel safe and help us know how to live. When they don’t make sense anymore, it causes disorientation of a powerful magnitude.

This is what happens when you’re in a transformation process; when you’re on The Hero’s Journey. The paradigm/reality where you comfortably reside — which includes your theories and beliefs about life — comes apart. It’s profoundly scary.

What Lisa found and what I have found (and what my coaching clients find), is that there is still meaningful life afterward.

While our paradigm might have come apart, we are ushered into another one that accounts for our new findings. And we carry the knowledge that this new paradigm isn’t the ultimate truth either, but a chamber to visit on our pathway through life. There will be more paradigm explosions, or subtle shifts, and they become slightly more welcome than that first big jolt. You become a veteran. A seasoned traveler with a looser grip.

Find Lisa at lisasolisdelong.com

HAVE YOU HAD A PARADIGM EXPLOSION?
I'd love to hear about it. Feel free to share in the comments below.

BECOME A MONTHLY PATRON

MAKE A ONE-TIME DONATION

Heartbreak

2/18/2018

This blog is my effort to mine the gems from "The Moment When..." podcast.
From Episode 1: When Lightning Strikes Twice — Lisa DeLong

by Belinda Lams

“…heartbreak may be the very essence of being human, of being on the journey from here to there, and of coming to care deeply for what we find along the way.”
- David Whyte, Poet

"...I could still feel joy even though I was in
so much sorrow."
-Lisa Solis DeLong

Have you ever made inner vows after being hurt?

“I’ll NEVER let myself fall in love AGAIN.”
“I’ll NEVER get married AGAIN after that horrible divorce.”
“I’ll NEVER speak from my heart AGAIN.”
NEVER!!! AGAIN!!!

(I've said it.)

In her interview, Lisa DeLong believed that she could NEVER have joy AGAIN after losing her beloved eldest son Justin to Leukemia. Her pain and grief were so acute that she started barricading her heart with her second son. She didn’t want to risk feeling that magnitude of love or agony of loss ever again. It's too much!!!

What is happening? Here are my thoughts...
We learn from pain. Once we experience the scorch of a hot iron, we learn to avoid that possibility in the future. Our brains collect this information to help us survive. That is how we’re wired. It's normal.
Now, when our hearts get broken, we experience emotional pain that hurts much like touching a hot iron.

When we lose someone we love—to death, divorce or when there is betrayal or abuse—our hearts close down in order to help us survive. We learn to avoid people or circumstances that remind us of that pain. We NEVER want that to happen AGAIN.

There is some wisdom there, mind you. It’s not wise to place ourselves in harm’s way with an abusive person or situation. Clearly there are circumstances where we must guard our hearts.
However, there are times when it is the better choice to allow ourselves to open up and love AGAIN.

Though we may be protecting ourselves from future harm, we are also preventing the extraordinary beauty of life that we can experience right now, which requires the risk of our hearts.

And sometimes our hearts get broken. It’s inevitable.

Lisa learned that her heart could break, close off, and also reopen and start to heal. She could love her second son.

And she could find joy again too, though it didn't seem possible or accessible at the time.

Find Lisa at lisasolisdelong.com

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT HEARTBREAK?
I'd love to hear. Feel free to share in the comments section below.

BECOME A MONTHLY PATRON

MAKE A ONE-TIME DONATION

Soul Speak (blog)

4/1/2016

by Belinda Lams

The soul has a language all its own. There's nothing quite like it. Even though it speaks, we're not always listening. It's easy to tune out the subtleties of the soul and focus on the loud voices in our heads. You know what I'm talking about, right? The chatter box negativity that is quite incessant unless you learn how to tame it. Soul speaks in symbols and nuances. It speaks in moods. It likes to reflect and contemplate. It doesn't require answers for everything. Soul is imaginative, inward, and deep.

Reading Thomas Moore's "Care of the Soul" for a few rounds has helped me to consider that all of the things we internally experience in this life are worthy of exploration—whether depression, enthusiasm, detachment, bliss—they all have meaning and provide clues to who we are. I am learning to allow my soul to speak. Instead of disregarding or squelching, I am tuning in to see what it wants and needs.

If you look at what symptomizes in your life as a message instead of something to conquer, you can bore into the depths of your being and collect elements of meaning and desire, potentially bringing them back up to the surface. This can renew intimacy with yourself and others. It can provide compassion and appreciation for the journey.

Hey...this life is filled with twists and turns. None of us really know all that much. If we don't allow ourselves to learn the language of soul, then we're missing a guiding light. I want to hear what it has to say because I think it just might be leading me toward the truest version of my life.

The Value of Nothing (blog)

3/21/2016

by Belinda Lams

We all have these equations about life. By equations, I mean beliefs about how things work. It's the classic if/then calculation. For instance, "If I'm really nice to this person, then they will like me."

Nice = Liked

These equations run our lives, and often unbeknownst to us. Like secret codes buried in our operating system, they guide us unwittingly to accomplish the complex task of getting our needs met.

Now, the shocking revelation. Sometimes these equations are false. Remember those True/False tests in grammar school? You get a list of mathematical equations and you must determine if they are true or not by marking T or F. The beliefs that are running our lives underground are much the same. They may or may not be accurate. Ugh! And if they're not, then what the heck are they doing to my life?!

One such erroneous equation that I've been examining is this:

Non-productive = No value

Is this really true? If it is, then every time I'm not producing something tangible, then that has no value. It's a waste of time and life. So, if I really believe and live by this, then a good portion of my life is not valuable because I'm not always producing something tangible. In becoming aware, I can see that this equation gets an F on the T/F scale.

It's not true because life has cycles and seasons. It has times when we're very productive and times when we're resting, quiet, waiting, contemplating, and internal. Not only does that exist, it's actually necessary. I talked about this in the podcast with artist Dorsey McHugh. (Listen here if you missed it.)

In learning the truth, I see that I am part of the cycle of things. I have dormancy. I have sprouting. I bear fruit. I get exhausted. I go underground. I daydream. AND it's all valuable. There is value in nothing...in no thing. This is when I get to replenish my nutrients. I get to re-evaluate where I expend my energy. I get to become very close to my inner life and my own soul. I get to receive instead of merely give out like a machine gun in rapid fire.

Even as I understand the truth, there's a little voice in my head who fights to keep that old equation alive. I understand it has a stake in my productivity because it receives identity there. It believes productivity=value, which equals good. However, that voice is not the truest me and so I gently remind it that there is value in being plus doing, not merely doing.

No thing = Value

If you suffer from diminishing the value of your downtime—of no thing—I encourage you to question your presuppositions. Are they true? Learn to infuse the empty spaces with the same value and meaning as your productive states, with the understanding that they are absolutely necessary. The emptiness must exist. Just like the cycles and seasons of life, you are a part of nature too.

As my musician husband says, "There is value in the space between the notes, otherwise there would be no song."

Art & Soul (podcast)

3/16/2016

"Think Different"

Listen to this fascinating phone interview with a mystical soul and artist extraordinaire, Dorsey McHugh. You will love her! We had so much fun exploring the depths of art, honoring space, following the call in our lives, and the unique art that resides in each one of us. You'll be inspired to let yourself be the truest you.
You can find Dorsey's art in galleries around the country as well as her website dorseymchugh.com.