by Belinda Lams

Life transitions have this phase that I call the "messy middle." It's the part that comes between what we're leaving and where we're headed. Why messy? Because often it's the place where we aren't sure what to do and may not be sure where we're trying to go. In this state of unknowing, there are urges that try to quickly lure us out of the messiness.  One urge is to hightail it back to where you started. It's familiar. It's probably more comfortable. And yet there was a reason or ten that you had to leave. Another urge is to speed up the process and impatiently force something or anything to happen, just to end the discomfort. And then, there may be an urge to run away from the entire operation. Why put myself through this? I'm outta here!!!

BTW, my favorite, "I'm outta here" scenario goes like this: I move to an anonymous town and get a job in a hotel as a maid. I quietly do my job, have just enough to live on, and let the days roll by without getting involved in life. Of course it's ludicrous if I think it through, but in moments when things seem a bit much, I have that little disappearing fantasy on the back burner of options. 

Back to the messy middle...The tempting strategies I mentioned—retreat, rush, run—will only short-circuit the process. I've found that the most profound and powerful strategy is to hold the space. Hold the messy middle and allow the discomfort. Don't try to wiggle out of it, as hard as it may seem. Like my friend Sue who I interviewed. (Listen here if you missed it.) She is holding the space of discomfort with the separation from her husband and the unknown future.

What does it take? It takes some strength and resolve to hold an uncomfortable posture. Sometimes you have to play little mind tricks so you won't give up. It takes being in the present moment as if it's just as important as any other moment. It takes belief that the new place must be honored by allowing the process to get there. It takes trust that the whole journey is worth it. I'm quite certain that if we can hold the space open, it creates room for the new thing that wants to emerge...the thing we really, deeply want in our soul. 

If you think about it, our whole lifetime between birth and death is the "messy middle". 

by Belinda Lams

Ever heard someone say, "I am so upset about ___________, but I really shouldn't complain. After all, there are so many people who have a much worse ____________ than I."

I hear it a lot. It's called minimizing. We all carry angst, hurt, pain, and uncomfortable issues in our lives. We want to complain, vent, and solve them. But when we judge the issue as petty, or compare it to some huge catastrophic issue, ours pales...then we shut it down. We deem that it isn't worth the attention. I get that we want to have a wise perspective. I believe there are appropriate times to use that strategy.  However...

Here's what I often notice: people bring up the issue that is plaguing them, they minimize it, and the issue keeps raising it's head. Over and over they battle with the issue, telling it to go away, that it's not worth any time or energy. Over and over it comes to the fore. The cycle doesn't end. So, while they may have decided that it's not important, somewhere in some sense it is very important.

For instance, I just spoke with a man who manages an office of 20 people. His company had to downsize and move the entire team to a much smaller facility. The space was now crammed with noisy cubicles, and the manager had lost his private office. In order to make undisturbed calls to his clients, he was ducking into the conference room, the bathroom, even his car. He was incredibly frustrated and disheartened. I said, "Wow. That's sounds tough." He immediately said, "Well, I shouldn't feel like this because after all, you lost a child. How could I complain about THIS?" (Don't think I let that one go).

He compared his issue to something very tragic in order to minimize his pain and chop it down to a manageable size, in hopes that it would just disappear. But, as he elaborated, it hadn't disappeared. I encouraged him that perhaps he needed to give it some attention. Maybe he needed to vent the frustration instead of shutting it down. Maybe there was something underneath all of it that was really important for him to find out about his life. After all, it was relentlessly bugging him. Could there be a message there? 

How about you?  Is there an area that you catch yourself minimizing? Are you sad, hurt, angry, frustrated over something, but refuse to acknowledge it and work it through?  Maybe that thing isn't all that big, but it's big enough to frequently jump into your consciousness.

Believe it or not, resisting it actually gives IT more power.
Accepting it, examining it, and working it through actually gives YOU more power.

Questions? Comments? Leave them below.

by Belinda Lams

I was recently asked to describe what I "do." 
What is my particular brand of coaching?  I said to this gentleman, "Well, at the core, I help pull out the essence of a person, which tends to get buried under there somewhere," pointing to the heart.

"Then I help the person align to that truest, highest part of who they are and learn how to live from that authentic center in everyday life."

He said, "So...you're a chiropractor for the soul." 

Hmmm.

Think about it. What is it like to be out of alignment in your body?  It's uncomfortable. It starts to wreak havoc on your nerves, muscles, and movement. Now apply that to your life in general. When you are out of alignment with your true self, life isn't working very well. You have inner conflict. You have a sense of dis-ease...disease.

On the flip side, what is is like to be in alignment?  Things seem right. Congruent. Life is working, flowing, healthy. You have a sense of well-being. (If you didn't notice already, this one is better. Being in alignment with your truest self is definitely the one to pick here.)

Funny thing is, most of us walk around out of alignment a lot of the time. Why? Because it requires effort to access the deep, inner self and it's not the default position of the human being. We tend to default into our ego self (as Rabbi Finley calls it).  We walk through life solving, managing, operating in what seems to be all of who we are. But at some point, we find ourselves in some kind of turmoil, or making poor decisions, or having relationship struggles, or addiction problems. We find ourselves way, way out of alignment, chafing against the part of us that wants something better.

When we live according to our default position, though it seems pretty good (and it can be), it isn't enough. We must find that wiser, truer, still, small voice of our soul which helps us become aware of a better way to operate. In this center place, we can find love, we can find compassion, we can find forgiveness...the qualities that bring the rest of our being (including our bodies) into better form. We become aligned. At ease.

So, how do you get there?  Well, this is the first step. You need to know that it's possible. Then you need to access that higher self. On a very practical level, here is something you can try right now.

Take deep breaths and think about certain words as you slowly breathe in and out. Imagine each word filling your whole being. Words like:
 
Love...freedom...kindness...beauty...forgiveness...acceptance...hope...radiance...healing...

You can see right away that these words are from the higher self. Right?  For instance, if you say words like compete...strive...worry...manipulate...demand...blame...you will have a very different experience. (Don't use these.)

Now,  practice filling your mind and body with soulful words over and over. Drink them in. Let them wash in and through you until you feel a softening, maybe even a blissful sensation. Practice them every day, every time you think of this. Make it your prayer. You will slowly begin to shift yourself into alignment. You may notice yourself a little lighter. A little kinder. A little closer to true you.

How do you get in alignment? I would love to hear. You can email me or leave comments here.

by Belinda Lams

My friend Paula took up painting with pastel chalks. One of the brilliant attributes about pastels is the ability to erase. 

If the artist doesn't like the piece, she can actually take a brush and swipe the canvas.  However, not all of the chalk can be removed. There are remnants of texture and hue left behind. 

The beauty is that these remnants become part of the next draft. They are incorporated into the new picture, providing some of the richer qualities that weren't there the first time around. 

Paula says it makes the painting more beautiful than it was originally.  

I believe her.

The losses, the hurt, the pain, the mistakes - they are all a part of the painting we create with our lives. As we learn to incorporate the dark night of the soul, we become a person of depth; rich with color and lined with character.

by Belinda Lams

For those days when life seems unbearable, I want to offer a little remedy to help you find some relief. It won't cure you of your ails, but it will certainly lighten your load for the time being. It goes like this...

Ready?

•Grab a jar or container of some sort.

•Get a stack of post-its and a marker. 
(don't laugh...for I am the post-it queen)

•Sit quietly with yourself and listen to all your rambling negative thoughts. Feel all your negative feelings. Just allow all of everything to be present. Don't shove anything away.

•When you're ready, write each negative thought, feeling, emotion down on the post-its.
Write until you've exhausted yourself and there is not one ounce of bad air left inside your heart. 

•Fold, squash, make origami, or whatever you want to do with your post-its. Then put them into the jar. 

•Look at the jar. 
Notice that all the false thinking, disappointment, hurt, grief, fear, shame, guilt, worry, contempt, judgment, jealousy, envy, anger...it all resides in that jar. 

•Now tune into your body. 
Become aware of what it feels like to NOT house all that darkness. 

Ah oh...is there another negative thought? Did you just judge yourself? If so, you're not done. Write it down. Put it in the jar. 

•OK. Check yourself again. Are you clear? 
If so, take a moment to experience yourself unburdened. You may feel very light. You may feel neutral. You may feel tired. You may feel like laughing. Whatever is there, allow yourself to experience it. Get to know yourself without all the crap that clogs your pipes.

One more step...

•Make a commitment to hold this space just for today. 
You can go back to your negativity and pain tomorrow, but not today. Every time you think about picking up the post-its and placing them back in your body, just remember that you're not allowed to today. Those are the rules. 

If you are REALLY compelled to grab the bio-hazard in the jar and gulp it down, go for it...just wait until tomorrow. Give yourself one day to fly free. 

Good luck. Let me know how it goes. 

Love you!!!!

by Belinda Lams

I just finished Steven Pressfield's latest book, "The Authentic Swing."  If you don't know this author, look him up. He's written fantastic books, 3 of which I've read to date. 

"The Authentic Swing" unpacks Steven's creative writing process of his novel, "The Legend of Bagger Vance." He reveals the source of his inspiration as well as the deeper themes contained throughout the story. 

In this case, the main character is a golfer who sets out on a journey to find...rather...recover his authentic swing. His authentic swing is a metaphor for his unique core self which has always been there, but has been lost or forgotten throughout his lifetime. 

When I explore the truth of finding my unique self, my authentic swing, I become acutely aware of all that isn't true about myself.  All the roles I've taken on. The attempts.  The comparisons. Even stealing someone else's authentic swing. 

We all wear costumes in the attempt to hide ourselves and fool others. Deep within, we know this isn't native. At some point, if we're brave enough, we may begin the excavation.

The willingness to remove the costumes allows for a more authentic self to emerge.  Like Michaelangelo's statue hidden in the marble, we must remove the excess stone to reveal the truth of who we are.

May we all find the courage to unzip a costume, chip away at the marble, and venture ever-closer to recover our authentic swing.

(Happy Birthday to Jeff, My Love)

by Belinda Lams

I've been wrestling with a blog all day, not sure what to say or how to say it. I don't want to let this day pass until I share, so here it is.

9 years ago today, my little daughter passed away. 

It was a rainy Thursday when she drew her last breath. My life would never be the same. 

I have spent the better portion of this day exploring the terrain of my shattered heart. It is just as broken as it was 9 years ago.  Was it supposed to heal?  

I bravely pulled out my journal from the day of her passing and the many months that followed. That mother was distraught. She begged for signs...answers. She was searching for some way to make sense of everything that had happened, but came up short most of the time.  

As I sat in a Rosh Hashana service this last week, the Rabbi read a poem about reading poems. It suggested that we try to squeeze the meaning out of poetry, instead of dance within it. I think that's what I have tried to do. I have wanted to force the poem to tell me what it means, but it won't divulge. 

There is beauty in brokenness. I don't know why. 

Tomorrow I will get back up on my horse and continue to ride through my life. But today, I was compelled to step off and reflect on where I've come from, where I am now, and what is compelling me to dare ride again.

(Photo Effect by Marsha Skidmore.  Thank you! xoxo)

by Belinda Lams

In his book, "The War of Art," Steven Pressfield gives a name to the mysterious force which blocks us from getting to our important life work.  

He calls it Resistance...with a capital R.  Resistance can come from within ourselves or from without.

Internal resistance may manifest as voices in your head with suggestions of fear, doubt, procrastination, guilt, cynicism, worry, dread.  It can also show up in your body with anxiety, paralysis, illness, and the like.  Any of those sound like the kind of resistance you encounter?

External resistance often comes from outside circumstances, much like a boulder blocking your path.  It may also come from other people.  Ever have someone close to you "act out" when you attempt to change something in your life?

Whenever you seek to change, grow, or transform your life, you will be challenged by Resistance along the way. So what can you do about it?

I have a simple 5-step solution to help you become a victor instead of a victim. 

                   Resistance doesn't have to get the last word.  

I'm not saying it's easy—but I am saying it's possible.

Step #1:  Accept it.
Resistance is part of the human experience. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. On the contrary, it usually means you're on to something.

Step #2: Anticipate it.
Since it is part of life, then it doesn't have to be a big surprise any longer. In fact, you can expect that it will show up as soon as you try to take positive action, especially with your deeper life purpose.

Step #3: Acquaint yourself.
Each of us has a signature blend of Resistance. We have our vulnerabilities where Resistance can operate most effectively. Some of us are more prone to fear, some more to guilt, some to procrastination. The key here is to become acquainted with your particular brand. 

Step #4: Acknowledge it.
Once you become more conscious of your patterns, you can acknowledge when the Resistance shows up. This puts you in the seat of power. You can say, "I've been expecting you. You're not going to take me out. I've got a plan."

Step #5: Redirect it.
And the final step is to redirect the pathway of the Resistance. Instead of allowing it to have it's way with you, send it in a different direction by intercepting it before it takes you out. This requires learning some strategies and practicing them in advance.  (I teach these in my Soul Activator course). 

by Belinda Lams

Remember Jack Nicholson's famous line in "A Few Good Men?"
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"  

He's right. Sometimes we can't, or don't handle the truth. Especially when it comes to telling it to ourselves. We have this amazing capacity to suppress, repress, avoid, deny, deflect, and project in order to keep the truth from coming anywhere near our consciousness.

I worked with a woman a while back who was experiencing anxiety issues and wasn't able to pinpoint the cause. I gently suggested that there was something deep inside that she wasn't willing to acknowledge.  Perhaps it was trying to make itself known by presenting as anxiety. 

She pushed back,  insisting that there was nothing she was hiding from herself.  But over time, peeling back layer by layer, it came out.  She was extremely unhappy in her marriage. Thud! She didn't want to think the thought, let alone say it out loud.  A whole life had been created around a lie which she affirmed to herself daily.

Her fear of facing reality had kept the truth buried deep below the surface.

Why? Because, it would require her to do something that she wasn't willing or ready to do. She would have to admit that her life was a disappointment, a sham. Or reveal her deep sadness at living so many years in a relational desert. She may even have to pursue divorce. Those possibilities felt like death to her, yet holding her truth in the depths was slowly killing her anyway. 

So...she allowed it to emerge. The anxiety dissipated.

Yes, the truth can be uncomfortable, even painful. 
Yes, it might require a difficult decision or a higher level of responsibility. 
And yes, it holds the key to your deliverance.